Write a letter giving yourself instructions for the new year.
At the local grocer, you see an elderly woman shoplift bacon.What do you do?
Hide, because goodness knows what she'll do with those Sausages. When you get old like that, you need all the thrills you can get.Winner: WeeSally (@WeeSally)
train, sofa, skim, picnic, satelliteWrite about a winter memory.
Train travel sure isn't what it used to be. The seats are no longer as comfy as my sofa. Instead of a classy dining car, all you can get to eat is a cold picnic box lunch with lukewarm skim milk. And worst of all the train only stops at out-of-the way satellite stations on alternate Tuesdays!Winner: Mellodee
Man Jailed For Eating Rare TigerWhat happened?
I was going to post a witty comment about how it is illegal to eat rare tiger, because it should at least be cooked to medium. But then I saw the comment above me and immediately felt defeated.Winner: Jessica (@poisongrl)
If you do not change direction...Finish this quote from Lao-Tzu.
If you don't change direction from here to there,Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Or change all the things for which you care,
And then if you find
That you don't change your mind,
Change just this one thing every day--underwear
On a positive note, the only thing I needed that I didn't get was underwear. I always get underwear! I've lost a few pounds and mine keep falling down. It's uncomfortable. So of course since I need them, I didn't get any.Winner: Ryan Ashley Scott (@ryanashleyscott)
It's a good Christmas when not getting underwear is the biggest problem. Still, I'd like to go a day without sneaking off to the bathroom to pull them back up. TMI?
So I have this friend... Growing up, she didn't have many friends nearby so she used her imagination to create friends. She's now thirty and recently confided in me that she still talks to her imaginary friends. Is this normal? What should I tell her?
Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about your imaginary friend for quite some time now. At first I thought it was harmless and that it would pass. Until now.Winner: Hank
This has become a much more serious issue and I'm afraid it must be dealt with. How serious? It interrupts my work day. It interferes with my meals. It keeps me awake at night. It even gets in the way of "intimate moments".
You see, now your friend is talking to me!
Write a quick note of appreciation to someone who makes your life easier.We Have A Winner!!! 12/31/09
To My Outstanding Wife:Winner: Tom
Just wanted to say Thank You for doing such a great job at looking after me.
Because of you my clothes are neatly pressed, the house is always clean, every meal is far better than the last, and your closeness and caring cannot be surpassed.
If you were not married, and I was not married, I would put you at the top of my list. I am proud to call you my wife.
I can't believe my mother-in-law gave me a...What did your mother-in-law give you? (I'm thinking holiday gifty)
I can't believe my MIL gave me....Winner: Mellodee
$825.00!! Wow! Unfortunately, it was in the form of a check for $25.00 each Christmas for 33 YEARS! That's all, ever....just a check for $25.00 a year.
[sadly, this is a true story]
robot pink turkey styrofoamLeave a treat for Santa.
Silently, stealthily, Santa falls down the chimney, landing on the pile of styrofoam my son has placed there, so Santa doesn't get hurt. His face is all pink, and his nose is red. He leaves the robot under the tree, ready for the child to find in the morning, then sits in the chair by the fire. There is a mincepie, a milk drink, and a note. "Dear Santa, please put the oven on at 200 degrees, or the turkey will never cook!"Winner: s'me
Santa obliges, then zips up the chimney to carry on his Important Night.
Grinch steals holiday decorationsThis time of year, it seems the Grinch is blamed for everything. Find someone else to blame in holiday-related news stories.
Grinch dims holiday lights display
Grinch vandalizes church Nativity
Rowdy Reindeer games lead to accidental sleighing of elves.Winner:Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the houseRewrite the classic line. (Not the whole poem, though you're certainly welcome to if you're feeling inspired.)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
'Twas the week before ChristmasWinner: Dellits
And I looked at my list
And realized how much
Of it I have dissed.
Food & gifts to be bought
A letter to complete
My to do list this weekend
Will be a small feat
But no fear over here
Because I have a plan
It will all be done
before Santa Claus lands.
This guy is not tired. He's playing charades. He's a pig with an apple in its mouth.Winner: Mike Trippiedi
So I have this friend... He needs to buy a holiday gift for his boss with a limit of $20. It's widely known that his boss is an incompetent jerk and everybody else was relieved that they didn't draw his name for Secret Santa. Any suggestions?Winner Winner Chicken Dinner 12/30/09
Just go to Target:Winner: Inspired Dreamer
A Digital Photo Frame
(with the instructions).
Write your Christmas letter to Santa.
Dear Santa,Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Earth's warming; I could ask you to fix her.
Or I could beg for a long-life elixir.
But would it be worth
Living long on this earth
Without a black Cuisinart mixer?
World's Worst Gift WrapperTell us about the "skills" required to win this title. (suggested by Inspired Dreamer)
grill, purple, bourbon, blanket, soccerDescribe a holiday tradition.
Not very well known outside of a small unpronouncible town in North Wales, there is a traditional New Year's game called "Purple-Blanket Soccer". It is played just after the stroke of Midnight on New Year's eve, after consuming an enormous number of rounds of grilled sausages followed by hot bourbon toddies. The game is played by nearly naked teams. Unfortunately no one actually knows the rest of the rules of this game, mostly because the players can never agree on what they are, as they are too drunk to remember from year to year. The pre-game disagreement always ends up in a huge fight with many bloody noses, etc. The game is sponsored by the local pub, which provides purple blankets and more bourbon to the chilled survivors... ahh...that is...the players (after the melee is sorted out) to ward off hypothermia. There is no record of any game ever having been completed. Nevertheless, it is played every year because it is TRADITION!Winner: Mellodee
Book returned to Ohio library after 60 yearsWhat was the book and why did they keep it so long?
The book is "War and Peace," and they haven't returned it yet because they are still reading it. Should be about half-way done by now, though.Winner: Mike Trippiedi
Well, my mom says....What does your mom say?
I love you, I'm proud of you, and for your own good, NO you are not having that. You're lovely when you smile (usually as I was stomping around!)Winner: s'me
My mother is great. (She doesn't say that - I do!)
It's Santa's rough tally of the naughty list. The elves were doing inventory on how much coal they needed to get....Winner: Lady J
So I have this friend... Despite feeling slighted that her future in-laws refused to include her on the family vacation, she offered to take care of their cat while they were all away. However, the cat darted out the door the very first time she went over to feed him. She searched and called kitty's name for hours but he has not returned. Everyone is due back from vacation tomorrow. What should she tell them?
If your cat liked you,Winner: Inspired Dreamer
He'd have come back already.
Try being nicer.
Leave a note on a windshield apologizing to a stranger for hitting their car.
Please apolgize for me to the driver of the car parked next to you that I accidentally hit. Much appreciated.Winner:TM (@trmink)
Most people would be embarrassed but not me! I'm proud...Finish the statement.
I made a pan of brownies last nightWinner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
And the minute I took the first bite
I said, "If I can,
I'll eat the WHOLE PAN."
I did it--'twas a wonderful sight!
cowbell, floor, airplane, dictionaryMake up an excuse for calling in sick to work.
I really hate to do this to you, but I can't make it into work today. You are never going to believe what happened.Winner: Taylorvillegirl (@GirlyBitzGirl)
So, last night Jeff and I are playing scrabble and he plays the word 'cowbell'. And that reminds me of the time my cousin Ollie chased me around the farm with a cowbell, trying to get me to run into some cow patties.
Then that reminded me of the time my other cousin Ernest tried to stuff me in the pig trough because I made fun of his lisp.
Then Jeff says I'm such a hillbilly and I say no and he says 'oh yeah?'
and I say 'yeah'
and he says 'if you look up the word hillbilly in the dictionary, there would be your family tree - all one branch of it'
and I say 'haha at least my family has character' and well the argument just continued until he got fed up with it and decided to airplane me.
You know, lift me up on his feet and fly me like an airplane?
But, he wasn't really paying attention and lost his grip. And that's when I went flying facefirst into the floor. I would've hit the floor and probably knocked myself out had it not been for Jeff's skateboard.
As it were, I hit the skateboard which rolled me into the counter where my face unfortunately made contact with the waffle maker we had just been using that had not yet cooled off. I now have a very distinctive waffle patterned burn on my left forehead. There is just no way I can face the public until it heals.
I hope you understand. And don't worry, I have already banned scrabble on work nights so that this won't happen again.
Police Suspect Moose Killed WomanWrite the short report that accompanies this headline in the local paper.
Former Ms. Transylvania Natasha Fatale was found dead last week, victim of a sudden and unexpected explosion. Forensic reports identified moose hairs and squirrel droppings near the scene of the crime, along with fragments of an oversized alarm clock.Winner: notgordion
Frostbite Falls Police have issued an all points bulletin for Wossamatta U. alumnus Bullwinkle J. Moose and his close associate Rocky J. Squirrel.
Natasha is survived by her fiance, Boris Badenov. When reached for comment, Badenov claimed Natasha's death was "all because of moose and squirrel."
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.Rewrite this line which is often mistaken for the USPS Creed. (They have no official motto or creed.)
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the completion of their appointed rounds; but it sure might slow 'em down!Winner: Mellodee
You see me on the corner and look the other wayWinner: Bethany (Auburnrose)
The harsh truth of my life might diminish your day
You don't want to see me, to admit I am here
Or acknowledge you are as close as 1 tragedy near
I am faceless to you, a soulless hollow shell
But I once had a life beyond this wretched hell
I look at the photo of my little girl each night
And remember the hero I was in her sight
She would stand on my shoes and together we'd dance
Back when I had hope, and dreams, and a chance
I still wear the ring from my bride of 25 years
A symbol of all of the laughter and all of the tears
She deserves so much better than what I can do
When you love someone their needs must come before you
I was a success, I once made her proud
You never would have picked me out of a crowd
Then our baby got sick and the factory shut down
There was not another job I could find in this town
Unemployment checks, welfare, day after day
I tried but we could not survive this way
The house was forclosed, the car repossessed
We sold what we had and the bank took the rest
Now my family lives in spare rooms and on the floor
I desperately long to provide them something more
I could not watch the pain in their eyes day by day
So out here I came to try to survive, make a way
My spirit is broken, my life fallen around me
But another failure, a wino is all that you see
Not a father, a husband, a son and a brother
Just one of many, a lost cause, another
I am you fears in flesh blood and bone
To see me would cause you to need to atone
So in the shadows I live with my memories and hopes that remain
Of the man that I once was and desperately long to regain
Write a letter informing your employees of the holiday luncheon cancellation.Winner Time! (12/10/09)
Dear Employees,Winner: Mike Trippiedi
Every year this company has had a holiday party to thank you for the past years work. However, every year this party is poorly attended. And the employees that do show up, usually just complain.
We have decided to save money this year and not throw the party. I know that most of you don't care and for you others...well, at least you still have something to complain about.
The Management
"I found this in your desk. You're fired!"Explain why this is in your desk and why you shouldn't be fired for it.
Boss: "I found this in your desk. You're fired!"Winner: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
Employee: "You can't fire me based on my religion. And anyway, it's just a voodoo doll. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a stress reliever."
B: "IT'S GOT MY NAME ON IT!"
E: "How do you know that's you? There are millions of people named Snordgren. You don't know."
B: "Do you think I'm stupid?!"
E: "If you're so worried about the doll, you must believe in it...so... maybe you should consider stopping your yelling and going back to your office. I have my own work to do."
B: "I, um.. um... (crosses himself) we'll talk about this later."
E: "I thought so."
martini, chicken, cross, house, points, granolaGive some advice to newlyweds.
Wow, nice house you two have. Bet it set you guys back a few bucks. But what the hell, its only money. My ex-wife got our house, and I got the payments. I call it paying for your education.Winner: Tom
I don't claim to be a "know it all", but, I have been married three times, and would like to give you two a few words of advice, so you don't fall into the same traps I did.
First can I have another martini? By the way that chicken dip is fantastic, its espically good with the granola crackers. You don't have any cheese do you?
Antways, Mary, that is a pretty red dress you have on, and that sparkling cross really sets it off nicely. Did you buy that dress new? John, you always look so relaxed in a t-shirt and shorts, too bad you can't go to work that way.
Anyways, to the points I would like to give you two. One, never go to bed angry, two, keep your credit card spending to a minimum, and three, in your first few years of marriage limit the guests that you have. You guys need the alone time to get to know eachother. Believe me, I have been down this road, and know what"s infront of you. If you work at it, your marriage will make it. Burp!
Can I have another martini?
Tiger Woods just has too much fame--Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
And everyone knows his name.
He didn't want us to know
So at night he did go
To play a quick putt putt golf game.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.Winner Time!!! (12/08/09)
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread.
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.Winner: Inspired Dreamer
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She called for a nanny, she called for a maid,
Then went out with the hubby, and then home to get... sleep.
It must be laundry day.Winner: @Chixor
Job title and basic description of worst job ever
Hello, My name is Tom, I am a Cash Retrevier for Potpourri Savings and Loan.Winner: Tom
I was going thru the files today, and noticed that you are ten months behind on your payments. I understand that you are not working, and that your car has been repossed, and that they are forclosing on your home. Without having those bills starring you in the face any longer, it should be easy for you to catch up, and make your $61.33 payments to us in a timely manner.
If you would like I can set it up to where we make an automatic withdrawl from your checking accout, and you will always be current.
Hello... Hello..... Mr Jones, are you there?
Write a brief Thank You note to your future in-laws thanking them for hosting the holiday meal. The meal you caused to somehow be ruined.
Dear Beth and Bob,Winner: Taylorvillegirl (@GirlyBitzGirl)
Thank you so much for inviting us out to dinner. It was nice to spend some time with you. It was also very nice to meet Bob's parents.
Please extend my apologies once again to Bob's mother. Believe me, I meant no harm. When I said "What are you, blind?" to Ron because he couldn't see the score on the big screen, it was all in good fun. It was in no way a reference to Bob's blind mother, who I can only hope has less than perfect hearing also. I'm assuming that is not the case based on the deadening silence that followed my comment.
And of course, I will pay for Beth's dry cleaning. After all, Ron only spit his wine all over her shirt as a gut reaction to the stupidity of my comment. If you think about it, it's really kind of funny. One of those cartoonish moments.
I understand if you are not yet ready to laugh about this. One day, you might. And I hope that I will still be in your good graces enough to enjoy that laugh with you.
Your socially inept future daughter-in-law,
Shari
As American as apple pie, as Canadian as...Finish the statement.
As American as apple pie, as Canadian as people who buy their Halloween costumes 3 sizes too big in order to wear them over their snowsuits.The Emmy goes to...: Inspired Dreamer
turkey, whiskey, jackhammer, pinata, candlesExplain to Aunt Ida why you're late for Thanksgiving dinner.
*calling on a cell phone*Official Winner: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
"Hi Aunt Ida! Sorry I'm running late!
I picked up the whiskey for Uncle Hank like you asked me to. I wasn't sure what brand to get so I picked this one with a turkey on the label. Appropriate, right?! Might be best to water down his drinks early on so he doesn't have a headache by mid-afternoon. Last year he kept mumbling that Aunt Lucy's singing sounded like a jackhammer in his head. Who told her it was ok to sing Christmas carols on Thanksgiving anyway?
Is Cousin Reba there yet? Did she bring a new pinata cornucopia centerpiece with her? Remember to keep the dinner candles far, far away from her 'art'... we don't need a repeat of last year's tragedy. We could've cooked a whole other turkey in no time in that blaze!
I'm just getting off the interstate now. See you soon!"
A Two-Bird-With-One-Stone Solution: Jim Henson, back by popular demand (<-- CBS is scrambling and had to think fast!), will create an incredible Oprah puppet sprinkled with a hint of Jay Leno, as I hear his new program isn't working out so much for him. Henson will give it jazz hands, too, just because.
Write an alternate ending for Grease.
Sadly, Sandy was killed the following night when she accidentally slipped off Danny’s greasy bed sheets. Thankfully, tragedy was averted to glory as Frankie Avalon met her at the gates of that big Beauty School in the sky.Winner:Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
Afternoon waiting...Winner: Inspired Dreamer
The hour hand's almost at five:
She'll get her drink on.
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.
My fervent hope was in vain. Whatever it was had heard the creaking step and was even now approaching the landing. A large oak chest obscured my view but I could hear soft shuffling footsteps and the wheezy breathing of a sizeable living organism. My heart in my mouth, I waited and watched.
How could I have forgotten? My old dad arrived this morning, while I was out, and I'd left the key under the planter. Obvioulsy, he'd let himself in then installed himself in the spare room and nodded off.Winner: Christine
Now he was awake and on the prowl - we both swallowed our screams and gave each other a relieved hug instead.
Goodness, I'm getting more forgetful every day. Thank the lord I didn't grab the 45 from the dresser drawer before I mounted the stairs!
Write a letter explaining why the recipient should sponsor you in an event.
Dear Major Sportswear Company,And the winner is: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
I've got brains, but I don't have much brawn
"Should I wake up to work out? Yaaaaawn."
But when I go real slow,
Fans can read your logo!
Please sponsor me in a triathlon!
"I'm sorry, I can't marry you. I'm..."Finish the statement.
I'm sorry I can't marry you. I'm type AB positive. You southern vampires can only stand type "O" negative. There isn't enough Pepto Bismol in the world to fix what would happen to you if...And the winner is: MkCrittendon
plutonium, horse, knitting, laughWrite a thank you note.
Dear Loved One:Winner: Betty @ a corgi in southern california
Thank you so much for your lovely horse that I am sure it took you forever to complete with your knitting, knowing how you enjoy watching TV and being able to laugh while you are being creative. I'm not sure if this tops the gift of plutonium you gave last year or not, but it sure came close. Maybe next year we won't exchange Christmas gifts, what do you think? But of course it is the thought that counts, so thank you dear one.
Your loving family member
And the ugliest people are...What group was named the "ugliest" people? Why? Write a short news story explaining.
For the eighth year in a row, the Gnome population has voted human infants as absolute ugliest of biped creatures in the November issue of Gnome-Life. Glenfall Grayback, the local Gnome ambassador, was not surprised. “First of all, they’re born without beards,” Grayback stated squeamishly, “and the immense craniums tottering on those soft, unsupported, wrinkled necks…”Winner: Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
Grayback ran from the podium, unable to continue his statement due to sudden nausea.
“We’re outraged and insulted,” stated Mary Devinger, President of I.N.F.A.N.T. (Integrated Neonatal Families Against Narrow-minded Tyranny), when asked for her reaction to the printed article. “Tell me, what’s more beautiful than a baby?”
The crowd of over three hundred supporters pushing baby carriages roared in agreement, much to the dismay of their sleeping infants.
Write an alternate ending for The Tortoise and the Hare
The Hare, who has decided to take it easy because he's so sure he'll win the race, comes upon the Tortoise laying on his back, stranded in the middle of the road. (Apparently, when he realised he had gained on the Hare and could see the finish line up ahead, he got over-excited, which caused him to lose his balance and fall.) The Hare stops, and soon other rabbits and bunnies and God only knows what other hare-types have joined him, circling the Tortoise. The Hare encourages the crowd: "'Shell' we??" Everybody is "in" and a rollicking game of Spin the Tortoise ensues. ~~~ What? I never said it wouldn't be boring. But you can't deny it: it definitely IS a different "spin" on the original story!Ze Winner: SparkleFarkle (@WishMittens)
"C'mon, better get your cute noseyAll The Cat Hair You Can Eat To: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Out of that book. Time to mosey
Back to your station.
For the sake of our nation,
Get back to your riveting, Rosie."
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.
My fervent hope was in vain. Whatever it was had heard the creaking step and was even now approaching the landing. A large oak chest obscured my view but I could hear soft shuffling footsteps and the wheezy breathing of a sizeable living organism. My heart in my mouth, I waited and watched.Big Ups To: jabblog
As a parent, respond to a letter from a teacher claiming your child mooned the class.
Dear Ms. Lunabell,Big Ups To: Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
I find it highly unlikely that my son, Atlas would ever participate in anything so blatantly earthy. He’s a shy boy and would never intentionally compromise another student’s personal space. Atlas respects the universe and holds this world in high regard. Please drop this accusation and expose the true culprit. I don’t want to see my baby become the butt of anyone’s ill sense of humor.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Henrietta Crackshowen
P.S. He’s terribly sorry for telling that joke about Uranus the other day.
"I know we're trying to save money but that seems pretty extreme!"
Let's go to the bank, take out our savings, go to Las Vegas and put it all on the color Red on the Roulette wheel. What do you say? We've got a 50/50 chance of doubling our money. Do you feel lucky? I do.Big Ups To: Mike Trippiedi
banana, Toledo, antenna, lyricsUse the list of words to talk about prom.
sad country song lyrics for you:Big Ups To: Princess Andy (@PrincessAndy)
"my pretty prom queen from toledo...
ripped the antenna off my ford...
and ate my banana cream pie"
Mystery Disease Leaves Bears Baring AllWhy are these bears getting nekkid?
Well, not quite "all", actually. The disease, coming to be known as "Wokkawokka", causes the bears to parade around in a hat and neck-scarf. Preliminary studies have shown the cause to be humans going elbow-deep on the bears.Big Ups To: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
""Yo Tay, I'm really happy for you and I'm 'a let you finish, but..."Write an alternate ending for Kanye's outburst.
Taylor Swift punches him in the throat. He sustains permanent damage to his vocal cords, effectively ending his "music" career. The whole world rejoices, agreements are reached in the middle east and suddenly there is world peace.Big Ups To: Jessica (@poisongrl)
"What's that you say? Timmie fell down the well? Damn it, Lassie, when is this operation going to get cell phones?"Big Ups To: beckiwithani (@beckiwithani)
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.Big Ups To: Autumn (@autumn_in_jeans)
You're a teacher - write a letter to parent of a child who mooned the class.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Chamness,Big Ups To: @Chixor
I would like to inform you of the recent inappropriate behaviour expressed by Sally recently. I am not sure that her raising her skirt and mooning the class is an appropriate sign of her disagreement of the Class discussion. It may be cute to some that she says' "Kiss my Heiny" however being the witness to several classmates taking her up on that offer has left me feeling very disturbed.
I have arranged a meeting with the School Councilor and would like you both to attend.
Please dress appropriately and keep all bare bottoms to a minimum.
Yours Sincerely,
Disturbed Teacher
"I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight because I have some important news to share."What's the important news? Feel free to include how it is delivered or received.
Hi Mom, I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight. I have some really important news to share.Big Ups To: 2cats
Can't you tell me now?
What would the fun be in that Mom? Don't you want a night out of the kitchen?
OK let's do it.
At the restaurant:
Let me hear your big news before dinner please dear?
Yep that was the plan. I am pregnant mom. I am having 9 babies. So I beat her world record. I told you I would, and I did. Aren't you proud?
But dear I never dreamed it would happen. You told me your were going to fly on your wings to the moon and you never did that. How am I supposed to know what you are going to do and what you aren't?
baby, calendar, Bono, door, whiteoutUse the list of words to write about a 911 call.
Yet another story to hit the tabloids: Chastity Bono's assistant made a call to 911 after Chastity, upon looking at a calendar, realized that she was late- the having a baby kind of late- and became so enraged at the complications this created in her sex change surgery that she punched a door. "We're not talking a little mar you can use whiteout on," she said. "You could pass a cantaloupe through the hole she made."Big ups to: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
In 1929, Parrot Fever Gripped the CountrySource: NPR - this is an actual headline.
People are in a panic as they do all they can to prevent themselves from getting this flu and the side effects that can come with it. People have reported their noses growing to parrot size dimensions and shape as they struggle with this illess. There have been no reports of noses not reducing in size after the flu is over, however. In the meantime, people are eating in over abundance the only food known so far to prevent this epidemic and bags of peanuts are disappearing quickly off of grocers' shelves.Big ups to: Betty @ a corgi in southern california
That's one small step for [a] man...Astronaut Neil Armstrong (July 21, 1969)
That's one small step for man . . . Crap! I almost tripped!Big Ups to: Seansmoma (@seansmoma)
Hmmmm, its about 300 yards to the woods. If I could disappear in there no one else would ever see me in this stupid costume. I wonder how far I could get before Mom turns around??Big Ups to: Mellodee
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.There you go, write the next paragraph!
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Write a letter nominating someone for an award.Amidst much controversy, President Obama recently received the Nobel Peace Prize. Now it's your turn to nominate someone for an award.
Dear Ladies & Gentlemen of the Awards Committee,Congratulations to: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
I'd like to formally nominate Mrs. Boobra McSelferston for the 2009 Most Self-centered Boss Award. Mrs. McSelferston has demonstrated stellar examples of self-serving behaviour over the past 3 quarters. She excels at turning conversations from issues of business to ones of her most recent aches and pains, those of her husband, and even her cat. She masterfully uses cliches like "I'm the boss!" and "the buck stops here" to refer to her position of superiourity over a staff that giggles at her foibles and makes every possible effort to be promoted out of her department. She under pays her staff to a comical degree and in one instance even shamed the president of the company when he learned at an excellent job candidate whom he had referred to be interviewed turn down the job due to the outrageously low salary.
Mrs. McSelferston is nonetheless generous with her staff. Once a year she takes them out to lunch on the company's dime. And every once in a while she'll buy gifts for each of the ladies in her department, making sure to work into the pre-gift introduction that she bought everything at FULL PRICE. She earns more than 6 times the salary of any one of her staff members and regularly jets off to casinos to fritter away $4,000 for fun yet she doesn't seem to put together that perhaps discussing her life's woes is unacceptable in front of staff who live paycheck to paycheck.
And so, kind ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for the opportunity to present this nomination and wish you good luck and god's speed if you have to personally interview this questionable woman, Mrs. Boobra McSelferston.
Kind regards,
TMC
underpaid worker bee
"I can't believe you came to my Halloween party dressed as..."Briefly describe the costume and the circumstances. Perhaps also the consequences.
Oh, honey, I just can't believeCongratulations to: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
You came to my party as Eve.
This causes me grief,
But please put on a leaf--
Or, sweetie, you'll just have to leave.
rabbit, rocket, rainbowShare your plan for world peace using the words above.
Fill a rocket with rabbits (everyone loves rabbits, right?) and blast said rabbit-rocket through a rainbow. All the rabbits will become rainbow-rabbits. Eject them from the rocket. Everyone will find a rainbow-rabbit waitin in their backyard. And be happy. And there will be peace. Aside from all the rainbow-rabbits being dead... hmm. Maybe there should be parachutes, as well? For the rabbits, I mean. Ooooh, rainbow parachutes. Wouldn't that be pretty?Congratulations to: Ryan Ashley Scott (@ryanashleyscott)
NH man arrested for the 153rd time to plead guiltyWhy was he arrested? Why such a long record?
NH man pleads guilty to serial bigamy after 153 arrests. The exhausted 49-year-old plaintiff explained that he had always been a romantic and loved women so much that he had to propose to them to see the delight on their faces. Naturally they all said 'Yes, oh yes' and then he felt obliged to marry them. Asked how he could afford so many wedding ceremonies, which were conducted in places as diverse as Finland, Australia and many of the states of the USA he replied that he had been left a considerable legacy by his father, Don Juan, which allowed him to travel. He told each of his wives that complex business affairs took him around the globe. His most recent bride snorted derisively and said, 'Business affairs? He told me he was a diamond merchant' as she glanced at the huge solitaire on her finger.Congratulations to: jabblog
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