baby, calendar, Bono, door, whiteoutUse the list of words to write about a 911 call.
We have a winner!!! (11/10/09)
Yet another story to hit the tabloids: Chastity Bono's assistant made a call to 911 after Chastity, upon looking at a calendar, realized that she was late- the having a baby kind of late- and became so enraged at the complications this created in her sex change surgery that she punched a door. "We're not talking a little mar you can use whiteout on," she said. "You could pass a cantaloupe through the hole she made."Big ups to: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
Method of Selection: She went somewhere unexpected with the Chastity Bono instead of preachy-singy Bono.
8 comments:
"Well, he came to my door for a date
And now the calendar tells me I'm late
You know I can't whiteout
That one crazy night out
Now having Bono's baby is my fate."
Yeah, yeah...clearly it's one of those non-emergency 911 calls. I mean, she just needed someone to talk to, and that was the only number she could remember.
911 Operator: 911 What is your emergency?
Hysterical Mother: You have to help me! He was at the door! Bono! He had a baby! It’s cold and crying and I don’t know what to do!
911: Ma’am, ma’am I need you to calm down. We’re experiencing whiteout conditions right now and we can’t send anyone out. I need you to get a blanket and wrap up the baby.
Bono (calling from the other room): Hey! He’s fine now! I found your husband’s sport Illustrated calendar. He stopped crying as soon as he saw it!
Mother: I’m going to kill him! He told me got rid of that!
911: Ma’am! Please don’t resort to such measures! We’ll have someone out as soon as we can! Just sit down, take a breath.
Line goes dead.
911, what is your emergency?
Help, Baby Bono took the whiteout and my calendar and ran giggling out the back door into the muddy swamp; save him!
betty
Yet another story to hit the tabloids: Chastity Bono's assistant made a call to 911 after Chastity, upon looking at a calendar, realized that she was late- the having a baby kind of late- and became so enraged at the complications this created in her sex change surgery that she punched a door. "We're not talking a little mar you can use whiteout on," she said. "You could pass a cantaloupe through the hole she made."
911, what's the problem?
Ya gotta help me before I start screaming!
Try and stay calm. What's wrong?
Okay, its like this....this salesman came to the door. He was really good looking and very nice.
Was he armed? Did he harm you, Threaten you?
Oh, no. It was the baby.
He threatened the baby?
Oh, no. He was really nice, he even offered to help me clean up.
Clean up?? What do you mean? Did he break something?
Oh, no. Like I said it was the baby.
Okay, let's try again. What is your emergency?
I keep telling you its the baby!
What about the baby? What does the salesman have to do with the baby?
Well, nothing really.
[Losing patience] Ma'am, I am trying to help you but you've got to at least give me a hint of what the problem is. Now, just try to tell me as simply as you can.
Ok. Like I said I was talking to this nice salesman (Did I mention that he was cute?)
[Grinding teeth] Look lady, just get to it will you?
Right. Well I guess I got distracted by the salesman and the baby got into the White-Out and splashed it all over my calendar!! I can't read a thing. Ya gotta help me.
[Nearly screaming] HELP YOU WITH WHAT?
I'm trying to tell you.
Ma'am, I am busy here and I don't have time to waste....
Oh, no, don't hang up! My tickets were in there.
Tickets?? Parking tickets? Moving violations?
Oh no, Bono.
Oh no bono??? Excuse me?
I'm going to see Bono and the tickets got all covered with White-out and now I can't remember what day they were for. I've got to find out. If I miss the show, I'll die, just die!!
I'm trying to understand here. Did the baby drink the White-Out or cut himself on the bottle?
Oh no, except for the White-Out smeared in his hair, he's fine. His mother is gonna kill me if I can't get it out too.
[ Deep shuddering breath] You're not the baby's mother?
Who me? No way!
Who are you then?
I'm the babysitter.
How old are you?
14 1/2.
{Voice Rising] Young lady, this is number is for real emergencies. Not dumb 14 1/2 girls to get information on stupid stuff like concert dates!!!
Hang up the phone this minute and DO NOT CALL 911 again until you are at least 30 years old!!!! [CLICK]
Well, gee. That wasn't very nice...
Sorry it's so long. I got on a roll. :-)
911. What is your emergency?
Hi, may I please speak to Bono?
I am sorry Ma'am but this is 911.
I know that. Bono told me that this was his number.
Again I am sorry ma'am but Bono is not here, this is 911. You know the number for life and death emergencies?
Yes. I know what 911 is. Bono said that after he had the baby he changed his number to something much simpler to remember. He knew that he would have too much to remember. So I said to myself what is the easiest number to remember? Well duh...911.
Again (with impatience now) Bono is NOT here this is 911.
If he isn't there then where is he? And what should I do about his number that I wrote on my calendar?
OK Ma'am I understand now. Use white out to remove his number from your calendar. Use the white out to remove his number from the phone book also please. And I hear him knocking on your door right now so you never need to call him again. Ta Ta Bye-Bye.
911: 911, what is your emergency?
man: My wife has gone mad! (baby crying in the background)
911: mad?
man: My wife is having a fit over a 1982 U2 calendar.
911: sir, this line is for emergencies only...
man (out of breath): This IS an emergency... the baby got a hold of my wife's autographed picture of Bono. She KICKED my son! She's chasing us with a hair crimper!!
911: we're sending a unit out to help you, sir. does your wife have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?
man: Does whiteout count? She sniffed a lot of that in high school...
911: Any drugs she's done LATELY, sir.
man (echoed voice): No. We're hiding in a closet now. I can hear her crying downstairs...
(Shouting and loud knocks come from downstairs)
man: I think they've caught her. I heard the door open.
911: Ok, sir. Stay put until an officer comes to find you.
man: Thank you. I really don't know why she flew into a rage. The Edge was her favourite anyway.
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