Tiger Woods just has too much fame--Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
And everyone knows his name.
He didn't want us to know
So at night he did go
To play a quick putt putt golf game.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.Winner Time!!! (12/08/09)
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread.
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.Winner: Inspired Dreamer
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She called for a nanny, she called for a maid,
Then went out with the hubby, and then home to get... sleep.
It must be laundry day.Winner: @Chixor
Job title and basic description of worst job ever
Hello, My name is Tom, I am a Cash Retrevier for Potpourri Savings and Loan.Winner: Tom
I was going thru the files today, and noticed that you are ten months behind on your payments. I understand that you are not working, and that your car has been repossed, and that they are forclosing on your home. Without having those bills starring you in the face any longer, it should be easy for you to catch up, and make your $61.33 payments to us in a timely manner.
If you would like I can set it up to where we make an automatic withdrawl from your checking accout, and you will always be current.
Hello... Hello..... Mr Jones, are you there?
Write a brief Thank You note to your future in-laws thanking them for hosting the holiday meal. The meal you caused to somehow be ruined.
Dear Beth and Bob,Winner: Taylorvillegirl (@GirlyBitzGirl)
Thank you so much for inviting us out to dinner. It was nice to spend some time with you. It was also very nice to meet Bob's parents.
Please extend my apologies once again to Bob's mother. Believe me, I meant no harm. When I said "What are you, blind?" to Ron because he couldn't see the score on the big screen, it was all in good fun. It was in no way a reference to Bob's blind mother, who I can only hope has less than perfect hearing also. I'm assuming that is not the case based on the deadening silence that followed my comment.
And of course, I will pay for Beth's dry cleaning. After all, Ron only spit his wine all over her shirt as a gut reaction to the stupidity of my comment. If you think about it, it's really kind of funny. One of those cartoonish moments.
I understand if you are not yet ready to laugh about this. One day, you might. And I hope that I will still be in your good graces enough to enjoy that laugh with you.
Your socially inept future daughter-in-law,
Shari
As American as apple pie, as Canadian as...Finish the statement.
As American as apple pie, as Canadian as people who buy their Halloween costumes 3 sizes too big in order to wear them over their snowsuits.The Emmy goes to...: Inspired Dreamer
turkey, whiskey, jackhammer, pinata, candlesExplain to Aunt Ida why you're late for Thanksgiving dinner.
*calling on a cell phone*Official Winner: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
"Hi Aunt Ida! Sorry I'm running late!
I picked up the whiskey for Uncle Hank like you asked me to. I wasn't sure what brand to get so I picked this one with a turkey on the label. Appropriate, right?! Might be best to water down his drinks early on so he doesn't have a headache by mid-afternoon. Last year he kept mumbling that Aunt Lucy's singing sounded like a jackhammer in his head. Who told her it was ok to sing Christmas carols on Thanksgiving anyway?
Is Cousin Reba there yet? Did she bring a new pinata cornucopia centerpiece with her? Remember to keep the dinner candles far, far away from her 'art'... we don't need a repeat of last year's tragedy. We could've cooked a whole other turkey in no time in that blaze!
I'm just getting off the interstate now. See you soon!"
A Two-Bird-With-One-Stone Solution: Jim Henson, back by popular demand (<-- CBS is scrambling and had to think fast!), will create an incredible Oprah puppet sprinkled with a hint of Jay Leno, as I hear his new program isn't working out so much for him. Henson will give it jazz hands, too, just because.
Write an alternate ending for Grease.
Sadly, Sandy was killed the following night when she accidentally slipped off Danny’s greasy bed sheets. Thankfully, tragedy was averted to glory as Frankie Avalon met her at the gates of that big Beauty School in the sky.Winner:Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
Afternoon waiting...Winner: Inspired Dreamer
The hour hand's almost at five:
She'll get her drink on.
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.
My fervent hope was in vain. Whatever it was had heard the creaking step and was even now approaching the landing. A large oak chest obscured my view but I could hear soft shuffling footsteps and the wheezy breathing of a sizeable living organism. My heart in my mouth, I waited and watched.
How could I have forgotten? My old dad arrived this morning, while I was out, and I'd left the key under the planter. Obvioulsy, he'd let himself in then installed himself in the spare room and nodded off.Winner: Christine
Now he was awake and on the prowl - we both swallowed our screams and gave each other a relieved hug instead.
Goodness, I'm getting more forgetful every day. Thank the lord I didn't grab the 45 from the dresser drawer before I mounted the stairs!
Write a letter explaining why the recipient should sponsor you in an event.
Dear Major Sportswear Company,And the winner is: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
I've got brains, but I don't have much brawn
"Should I wake up to work out? Yaaaaawn."
But when I go real slow,
Fans can read your logo!
Please sponsor me in a triathlon!
"I'm sorry, I can't marry you. I'm..."Finish the statement.
I'm sorry I can't marry you. I'm type AB positive. You southern vampires can only stand type "O" negative. There isn't enough Pepto Bismol in the world to fix what would happen to you if...And the winner is: MkCrittendon
plutonium, horse, knitting, laughWrite a thank you note.
Dear Loved One:Winner: Betty @ a corgi in southern california
Thank you so much for your lovely horse that I am sure it took you forever to complete with your knitting, knowing how you enjoy watching TV and being able to laugh while you are being creative. I'm not sure if this tops the gift of plutonium you gave last year or not, but it sure came close. Maybe next year we won't exchange Christmas gifts, what do you think? But of course it is the thought that counts, so thank you dear one.
Your loving family member
And the ugliest people are...What group was named the "ugliest" people? Why? Write a short news story explaining.
For the eighth year in a row, the Gnome population has voted human infants as absolute ugliest of biped creatures in the November issue of Gnome-Life. Glenfall Grayback, the local Gnome ambassador, was not surprised. “First of all, they’re born without beards,” Grayback stated squeamishly, “and the immense craniums tottering on those soft, unsupported, wrinkled necks…”Winner: Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
Grayback ran from the podium, unable to continue his statement due to sudden nausea.
“We’re outraged and insulted,” stated Mary Devinger, President of I.N.F.A.N.T. (Integrated Neonatal Families Against Narrow-minded Tyranny), when asked for her reaction to the printed article. “Tell me, what’s more beautiful than a baby?”
The crowd of over three hundred supporters pushing baby carriages roared in agreement, much to the dismay of their sleeping infants.
Write an alternate ending for The Tortoise and the Hare
The Hare, who has decided to take it easy because he's so sure he'll win the race, comes upon the Tortoise laying on his back, stranded in the middle of the road. (Apparently, when he realised he had gained on the Hare and could see the finish line up ahead, he got over-excited, which caused him to lose his balance and fall.) The Hare stops, and soon other rabbits and bunnies and God only knows what other hare-types have joined him, circling the Tortoise. The Hare encourages the crowd: "'Shell' we??" Everybody is "in" and a rollicking game of Spin the Tortoise ensues. ~~~ What? I never said it wouldn't be boring. But you can't deny it: it definitely IS a different "spin" on the original story!Ze Winner: SparkleFarkle (@WishMittens)
"C'mon, better get your cute noseyAll The Cat Hair You Can Eat To: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Out of that book. Time to mosey
Back to your station.
For the sake of our nation,
Get back to your riveting, Rosie."
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.
My fervent hope was in vain. Whatever it was had heard the creaking step and was even now approaching the landing. A large oak chest obscured my view but I could hear soft shuffling footsteps and the wheezy breathing of a sizeable living organism. My heart in my mouth, I waited and watched.Big Ups To: jabblog
As a parent, respond to a letter from a teacher claiming your child mooned the class.
Dear Ms. Lunabell,Big Ups To: Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
I find it highly unlikely that my son, Atlas would ever participate in anything so blatantly earthy. He’s a shy boy and would never intentionally compromise another student’s personal space. Atlas respects the universe and holds this world in high regard. Please drop this accusation and expose the true culprit. I don’t want to see my baby become the butt of anyone’s ill sense of humor.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Henrietta Crackshowen
P.S. He’s terribly sorry for telling that joke about Uranus the other day.
"I know we're trying to save money but that seems pretty extreme!"
Let's go to the bank, take out our savings, go to Las Vegas and put it all on the color Red on the Roulette wheel. What do you say? We've got a 50/50 chance of doubling our money. Do you feel lucky? I do.Big Ups To: Mike Trippiedi
banana, Toledo, antenna, lyricsUse the list of words to talk about prom.
sad country song lyrics for you:Big Ups To: Princess Andy (@PrincessAndy)
"my pretty prom queen from toledo...
ripped the antenna off my ford...
and ate my banana cream pie"
Mystery Disease Leaves Bears Baring AllWhy are these bears getting nekkid?
Well, not quite "all", actually. The disease, coming to be known as "Wokkawokka", causes the bears to parade around in a hat and neck-scarf. Preliminary studies have shown the cause to be humans going elbow-deep on the bears.Big Ups To: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
""Yo Tay, I'm really happy for you and I'm 'a let you finish, but..."Write an alternate ending for Kanye's outburst.
Taylor Swift punches him in the throat. He sustains permanent damage to his vocal cords, effectively ending his "music" career. The whole world rejoices, agreements are reached in the middle east and suddenly there is world peace.Big Ups To: Jessica (@poisongrl)
"What's that you say? Timmie fell down the well? Damn it, Lassie, when is this operation going to get cell phones?"Big Ups To: beckiwithani (@beckiwithani)
After a long day at work, all I wanted was to sit back, put my feet up, and enjoy a glass of wine before my husband and kids arrived home. I had just settled back in my chair when I heard a crash upstairs.
"Great," I thought, getting up to attend to the situation, "Pickles must have fallen off the bed again. That damn crippled old dog can't see the nose attached to his face." But as I turned toward the staircase, I saw Pickles lying contentedly on the top step, which meant it wasn't him who had caused the loud crash...
Frantically I grabbed my cell phone and headed up the stairs. A million horror movies flashed through my mind where the stupid girl runs up the stairs to check out the noise and I tried to nervously laugh my fear away. While I didn't really want to head up the stairs I knew that was the first thing the children would do when they got home. I smiled as I thought of my kids despite the pounding in my heart. Somehow thinking of the girls made me a little braver. Mama Bear was on the prowl and she was out to protect her home from whatever the pending danger may be. I was almost at the top of the stairs when the second to last stair creaked loudly. I paused and held my breath hoping whatever it was up here had not heard me.Big Ups To: Autumn (@autumn_in_jeans)
You're a teacher - write a letter to parent of a child who mooned the class.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Chamness,Big Ups To: @Chixor
I would like to inform you of the recent inappropriate behaviour expressed by Sally recently. I am not sure that her raising her skirt and mooning the class is an appropriate sign of her disagreement of the Class discussion. It may be cute to some that she says' "Kiss my Heiny" however being the witness to several classmates taking her up on that offer has left me feeling very disturbed.
I have arranged a meeting with the School Councilor and would like you both to attend.
Please dress appropriately and keep all bare bottoms to a minimum.
Yours Sincerely,
Disturbed Teacher
"I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight because I have some important news to share."What's the important news? Feel free to include how it is delivered or received.
Hi Mom, I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight. I have some really important news to share.Big Ups To: 2cats
Can't you tell me now?
What would the fun be in that Mom? Don't you want a night out of the kitchen?
OK let's do it.
At the restaurant:
Let me hear your big news before dinner please dear?
Yep that was the plan. I am pregnant mom. I am having 9 babies. So I beat her world record. I told you I would, and I did. Aren't you proud?
But dear I never dreamed it would happen. You told me your were going to fly on your wings to the moon and you never did that. How am I supposed to know what you are going to do and what you aren't?
baby, calendar, Bono, door, whiteoutUse the list of words to write about a 911 call.
Yet another story to hit the tabloids: Chastity Bono's assistant made a call to 911 after Chastity, upon looking at a calendar, realized that she was late- the having a baby kind of late- and became so enraged at the complications this created in her sex change surgery that she punched a door. "We're not talking a little mar you can use whiteout on," she said. "You could pass a cantaloupe through the hole she made."Big ups to: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
In 1929, Parrot Fever Gripped the CountrySource: NPR - this is an actual headline.
People are in a panic as they do all they can to prevent themselves from getting this flu and the side effects that can come with it. People have reported their noses growing to parrot size dimensions and shape as they struggle with this illess. There have been no reports of noses not reducing in size after the flu is over, however. In the meantime, people are eating in over abundance the only food known so far to prevent this epidemic and bags of peanuts are disappearing quickly off of grocers' shelves.Big ups to: Betty @ a corgi in southern california
That's one small step for [a] man...Astronaut Neil Armstrong (July 21, 1969)
That's one small step for man . . . Crap! I almost tripped!Big Ups to: Seansmoma (@seansmoma)
