FishWinner: Shark Bait
"The hat has spoken - GRYFFINDOR!"Winner: Isabella
So I have this married friend... Her neighbor is extremely hot and often runs through the neighborhood, occasionally shirtless. What kind of excuses can she make up to be in a decent viewing position? Also, any way to subconsciously influence him to remove his shirt more frequently?
"Oh wow. Did I spray you with my hose-pipe again. Sorry about that."Winner: davidseven
While doing some late night shopping at the local department store, you find yourself locked in. Unfortunately, you will not be able to leave the store now until morning.Now what?
I would change labelsWinner: Inspired Dreamer
On the thin chick clothes; they'd all
Think they'd gotten fat.
Sangria, Lost, Monkey, BookTell me about your vacation.
Holiday LemonsWinner: Monica Manning
New study shows river runoff decreases in driest years in Oregon, NorthwestWow, really? Write your own "duh" new study shows headline.
Those scientists were feelin' fineWinner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
After their dinner & case of wine.
One wrote this "study"
(Reviewed by his buddy):
"Your toots stink! And so do mine."
Without the automobile James Dean might still be alive, which means that Paul Newman may not have had a movie career.Winner: Mike Trippiedi
AHA-HA-HA! Guys! Look! I got stuck AGAIN! I am so stupid. Next time I get drunk and want to sleep in here, you guys better stop me. HA-HA-HARRR!!! Now pull me out. I gotta pee.Winner: China
Cue the trumpets! Throw some confetti! Alert the press! Les Stroud of Survivorman, because he would totally get me though the year safely and build me an awesome shelter.Winner: Melinda (@mstacer)
Taylor Lautner to look at and his martial arts skills might come in handy to fight off any native wild animals.
And my son, because I couldn't live without him or that long.
My friends say I am always vague and stuff like that.Winner: davidseven
Your boss comes to your desk and offers you one of his wife's special homemade chocolate candies. You love peppermint patties so you toss an entire glob of chocolate in your mouth only to realize it's coconut and you're allergic to coconut. Your boss asks you what you think of his wife's awesome yummies.What do you say/do?
Spew it out forcefully into the trashcan and then, gasping, say, "Oh they are DEE-LISH-US - but I'm deathly allergic to coconut! So sorry!"Winner: China
"But if she makes coconut-free peppermint patties, I'd LOVE to try THOSE! -
And don't worry, Boss, I have some Benadryl in my desk. I won't have to leave early, but I may be a little slow today." (Big apologetic grin)
porcupine, mouthwash, gnome, arrow, galoshesWhy is your teenager in trouble?
She thought she had been struck by cupid's arrow. She had never experienced the sensation she had when she looked at Josh. Maybe band camp wouldn't be so bad after all. She walked over to him and smiled weakly. "Ummm.... hi Josh," she said. Her mouth was dry. She would have been willing to drink a bottle of mouthwash if it meant her tongue didn't feel like sandpaper in his presence. She watched him tug a little harder on the head of a gnome, trying to pluck it from his camp counselor's garden. The counselor had nailed it to a stake and buried the end deep.Winner: Heather
He looked over his shoulder briefly. "Hey."
She felt the heat rising from her feet, up her legs and into her abdomen. It made her feel nauseous, dizzy, confused. Is this what love felt like, she thought. She stumbled forward slightly. Her bright red golashes glowing bright against the slightly damp color of earth. "Hey." she responded, her vision clouding everything but Josh out of her sight. She felt herself sway. I'm weak in the knees. It's a fairytale!
Josh looked over his shoulder again. "Are you okay?" he asked, forgetting the gnome and reaching for her instead. She could feel the heat rising up her chest and into her face. She was having difficulties breathing. She couldn't believe what a strong effect he was having on her. She swooned. The last thing she saw was Josh leaning over her and the last thing she felt was his lips pressing against hers.
At least, that is the way she preferred to remember it when the other kids at band camp taunted her. She kept this story alive inside of her using it mentally fend off the taunts of the other kids who had learned what happened. Maybe one day, she would be able to use it as the opener to her explanation of how she found out she was allergic to porcupine quills.... and why she would never attend another camp in the mountains again. For now, she had to endure the teasing and hateful words that teenagers are so good at conjuring up.
Death of a BrowserRecently, a "funeral" was held for Internet Explorer 6.0, the web browser that just didn't want to die. If you could hold a "funeral" for something (other than a person or animal), what would it be?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of the No Child Left Behind law. While its intentions may have originally been based in the betterment of the education of all students, it quickly became evident that it was nothing more than a hindrance to the educational process. No Child was Left Behind because instead Every Child was left behind. Teachers lost the freedom to teach in a manner the benefited their students and became prisoner to teaching to the tests mandated by this law. Students no longer learned functional skills, but only what was covered on the mandated tests. Instead of improving schools and student performance, the opposite occurred during your reign. Schools continued to fail and student performance continued to be an embarrassment in comparison to other nations. High school drop out rates remained high, students failed to learn to read, and minorities continued to demonstrate a gap in performance. I wish we could say you will be missed, but we can finally get down to the task of educating our students in ways that will make learning an active process that engages children. We can finally make accommodations for all children who learn a little differently, who need a little help, and who may not master the concept the first time it is presented. Finally learning can be individualized for all children and teachers can teach instead of prep students for tests. Rest in peace, or rest in pieces.Winner: Bethany (@Auburnrose)
Ode to SpringEither rewrite this awful poem or write your own brief Ode to Spring.
O spring, O spring
You wonderful thing!
O spring, O spring, O spring!
O spring, O spring,
When the birdies sing
I feel like a king,
O spring!
~Walter R. Brooks
The first day of Spring is a wonderful thing;Winner: D.A. Schweiss on his blog
Its escorted by sunny, warm weather.
Robins take wing, and all the birds sing,
And the light coats replace those of leather.
Yes, the Sun in the sky brings a tear to my eye
As it banishes gray hues, so dreary.
Winter's still there, by the nip in the air,
But its pall will grow less and less weary.
With a smile in my heart, I'll now play the part
Of a lover whose dear one comes calling,
And cheeks flushed with pink might cause one to think
That the star for the costar has fallen.
oh spring! oh spring!Winner: Radhika92
you ghastly thing
with your bursting enthusiasm
and syrupy smile
oh why can't you leave me
to wallow in winter,
and shiver and grumble a while?
"Hey pretty lady. Why so blue?"Winner: davidseven
So I have this friend... She is stuck basically on bedrest for most days. She is absolutely through with television. What book, DVD, or other creative idea would you suggest to her to help pass the time and keep from going crazier than she already is?
I cannot imagine being stuck on bedrest, but if I were, the first thing I would turn to would be audio books, unabridged audio books. If my friend had the same taste I do, I would suggest the Mitford Series by Jan Karon, all of them, in order, and only the unabridged ones. Then, The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold, which is the most amazing book I have ever read. And then on to the crime stories I love so much - too many to suggest here. Throw in some Stephen King and some Maeve Binchy - yes, I have conflicting tastes : ) Since I am usually a multi-tasker, I would also suggest knitting, crocheting, making cards, scrapbooking, taking courses on line, teaching myself some software so I could become an expert and teach it on line, learning and using photo manipulation software. Many of the crafts that can be done on bedrest (like the knitting/crocheting) can be donated to very worthy causes when they start to pile up : ) Some light exercise while in bed would be a good use of time too, if it's possible.Winner: B, as posted on her blog
Dear Sirs,Winner: Jason (whom I have no way of contacting)
After reviewing my records I see that you are correct that I have not made a single payment on the mentioned Motorcycle.
However, while reviewing those records I see that you have likewise not issued payment for the Circus Elephant, Wading pool and 3 tons of Jell-o recently purchased from me. Once those Items are returned or paid for I will happily turn over any and all motorcycles which I have purchased from your company.
Thank you in advance for your co operation
