The Kentucky Derby was held on Saturday. Among the contenders were "Dean's Kitten", "Mission Impazible", and "Super Saver".
Sir Muffinkins.Winner: Jessica (@poisongrl)
How sad would you be if he lost? "Aw, poor Sir Muffinkins!"
Today is Hug an Australian DayWhich Australian would you like to hug - and why?
Uh, Simon Baker, der. Do you really need an explanation?Winner: Sarah @ My Drunk Monkeys
NJ cafeteria workers punish food-fighting studentsWhat was the punishment?
The kids were required to wake up extra early each morning for a week and prepare hot breakfast for the local homeless shelter.Winner: Isabella
*we did something like this to fulfill our NHS service requirement in high school. Bought the ingredients, made the breakfast at home, and served it before school started.*
BillWinner: Mike Trippiedi
Jennifer Love-Hewitt's recently released biography is called Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-Aholic. Why, exactly, I do not know.What would be the title of your biography?
I've got hobbies--I read, and I jog.Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
(I also cook, then eat like a hog!)
And I write about me.
My autobiography
Is an ongoing one, called C. Beth Blog.
New study shows river runoff decreases in driest years in Oregon, NorthwestWow, really? Write your own "duh" new study shows headline.
Those scientists were feelin' fineWinner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
After their dinner & case of wine.
One wrote this "study"
(Reviewed by his buddy):
"Your toots stink! And so do mine."
Death of a BrowserRecently, a "funeral" was held for Internet Explorer 6.0, the web browser that just didn't want to die. If you could hold a "funeral" for something (other than a person or animal), what would it be?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of the No Child Left Behind law. While its intentions may have originally been based in the betterment of the education of all students, it quickly became evident that it was nothing more than a hindrance to the educational process. No Child was Left Behind because instead Every Child was left behind. Teachers lost the freedom to teach in a manner the benefited their students and became prisoner to teaching to the tests mandated by this law. Students no longer learned functional skills, but only what was covered on the mandated tests. Instead of improving schools and student performance, the opposite occurred during your reign. Schools continued to fail and student performance continued to be an embarrassment in comparison to other nations. High school drop out rates remained high, students failed to learn to read, and minorities continued to demonstrate a gap in performance. I wish we could say you will be missed, but we can finally get down to the task of educating our students in ways that will make learning an active process that engages children. We can finally make accommodations for all children who learn a little differently, who need a little help, and who may not master the concept the first time it is presented. Finally learning can be individualized for all children and teachers can teach instead of prep students for tests. Rest in peace, or rest in pieces.Winner: Bethany (@Auburnrose)
Happy Birthday, Chuck NorrisChuck Norris turned 70 last Thursday, March 10. Write a brief story about his birthday party.
Unfortunately, one-time actor and all-time ass-hat Chuck Norris passed away last Thursday at his own 70th birthday party.Winner: JazzBumpa
His tea-bagger friends brewed up a spa-sized mug, but Chuck had previously downed a 64 oz blender full of vodka and whole bananas, mistaking ir for a fruit smoothie.
Thus impaired, Chuck tumbled over the rim, and refusing help, because - well he's CHUCK NORRIS, doncha know, drowned.
He nearly succeeded in returning from the dead, but could not overcome the rejection of the ObamaKare Death Panel.
RIP Chuck. You're gone but not missed!
Upbeat salmon forecast worries fishermenWrite the article that accompanies the headline.
A massive harvest of salmon sounds like a good thing, but for some fishermen near Scotlands fishing grounds, it's a real worry. Angus McCaber explains.Winner: s'me
"Weel, I canna see ho we'll be away to kitch all dese salmons. We dinna have the wurms."
The worm shortage is a distinct source of concern, as they are a necessary part of fish catching. Tests are continuing with fake worms to enable the men to catch all that they can.
This however, also worries Mr McCaber, whose wife owns several sea fishing boats as well as a smokery.
"I seys to t'missus the other day, I looks in the freezer, and it's full. I has to seys to her "She canna take any more Captain. She's up to capacity as it is. I canna change the laws of physics!"
Marketers Say Oh Yes To OhnoI think most of the cheesy horrible Ohno/Oh Yes headlines have been written but take your best shot at a few more. Or, feel free to write another horrible headline.
I was blue 'til that wonderful night--Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Tickled pink was I at the sight!
Yellow he's not--
That trick was red hot!
He's the cream of the crop; he's Shaun White!
March of the Suicidal PenguinsRecently, penguins won the epic battle against chickens in a landslide. What could possibly prompt a headline such as this?
I think the penguins found out about the theories that some scientist and others have about global warming, ice caps melting, and all that other stuff that would ruin their lives, so instead of waiting for their impending deaths, their committing suicide.Winner: Silver Star (@silvrstar)
While some don't understand this sport, the intensity of the training is often overlooked. It takes days, weeks, months, years of dedicated training. It means dedicating your entire lifestyle. It means missing out on the fun activities friends do. It means missing out on family vacations. It means not getting to know your neighbors.Winner: Eternal Lizdom
Choosing this event means choosing sacrifice.
This year marks the first year that the Olympics will recognize the sport of couch potatoing.
Personally- I'm going for the Gold!
"All _____ All the Time" Grand Opening This ThursdayYou are opening a new store that sells only one item. Tell the interviewer what that one item is and why so they can write an article for the newspaper.
My store sells memories of loved ones that are no longer with us. It's a magical store where people can not only relive special times with special people, but also say the things they never said, but should have.Winner: Mike Trippiedi
Chicken plays chicken with drivers on busy streetWrite the story behind the headline.
You know the old joke, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" I know one chicken that was going to find out the reason once and for all! He slowly stepped onto the street and was almost hit by a car. Every time he would try to run across the street, some vehicle would try to take him out! He's was so frustrated, he gave up. As he was walking back home, he did find a cross walk, so he decided to give that a try. Apparently, he didn't see where the sign said "Don't Walk" so once again, cars tried to take him out. He gave up, he was NEVER going to make it across the street, so back home he continued. When he arrived home, his neighbors confronted him, "You have so much to live for!" they cried out. He explained that all he was trying to do was find out why the chicken crossed the road. When he finally walked inside, he had left the tv on CNN and they were reporting some chicken was playing chicken with other cars on a busy street. To this day, no one believes him when he tells people that he doesn't know why the chicken crossed the road.Winner: Silver Star (@silvrstar)
Man gets day in jail for throwing taco at managerWrite the brief article that accompanies this headline.
Jeans-o-rama security incident reportWinner: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
McDonald and Wilson reported to the 4th floor of the right wing of the Hooverson Building in response to numerous calls reporting an incident between an employee and management.
Upon arrive, the officers witnessed the employee, a Mr. Chauncey, calmly eating his lunch at his desk while the manager stood nearby, his face and suit covered in ground beef and lettuce.
"What happened here?" asked Wilson.
"HE THREW HIS TACO AT ME!" the manager bellowed.
"Is this true, sir?" McDonald asked of the calm employee. It took him a minute to finish chewing his mouthful but finally responded
"I clearly put up on On Lunch notice sign, just as management requires. Mr. Carter came over here to ask me a question and disregarded my sign. I politely indicated that I was on lunch and I would come to his office as soon as I was done. Mr. Carter WOULD NOT stop talking. He didn't listen to me at all despite his staring at my lunch the whole time. So I picked up one of my tacos, and threw it at him, to get his attention."
Officer Wilson asked Mr. Carter if he'd like Chauncey removed from the premise. He looked down at his stained suit thoughtfully and said "No, no. I still need his help."
"I have a dream..."January 18th is "Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. When he delivered his famous "I Have A Dream" speech in 1963, he was addressing equality for all people. Now, in 2010, what kind of "dream" do we need to rally behind?
There is a common misinterpretation that Martin Luther King's speech lobbied for equal rights for all. In reality, all but the first "I have a dream" stanza, and the build up to those beautiful passages, specifically sites brotherhood and equality between whites and blacks/ Negros. What should we rally behind then? The essence of his speech. The underlying prose of equality. As long as a group of people are systematically devalued by a characteristic such as race, gender, age, religion, sexual preference, etc, his speech is very much relevant. And humanity will have something to rally behind.Winner: Heather
Wis. man's bank quip earns him Champion Liar titleWhat is his bank-related quip?
"I'm telling ya honey, this bank manager really cares about us - it's not just about the money with this guy!"Winner: Marc
Times Square shredder offers good riddance to 2009: Scores of New Yorkers and tourists seeking a fresh start in 2010 came to Times Square on Monday to put their bad memories through the shredder at the third annual Good Riddance Day.A few days late but what would you put through the shredder?
I would write down names:Winner: Inspired Dreamer
Fear, Doubt, Rejection, Sorrow:
and shred them away.
Man Jailed For Eating Rare TigerWhat happened?
I was going to post a witty comment about how it is illegal to eat rare tiger, because it should at least be cooked to medium. But then I saw the comment above me and immediately felt defeated.Winner: Jessica (@poisongrl)
Grinch steals holiday decorationsThis time of year, it seems the Grinch is blamed for everything. Find someone else to blame in holiday-related news stories.
Grinch dims holiday lights display
Grinch vandalizes church Nativity
Rowdy Reindeer games lead to accidental sleighing of elves.Winner:Angel Zapata (@AngelZapata)
