While doing some late night shopping at the local department store, you find yourself locked in. Unfortunately, you will not be able to leave the store now until morning.Now what?
I would change labelsWinner: Inspired Dreamer
On the thin chick clothes; they'd all
Think they'd gotten fat.
Sangria, Lost, Monkey, BookTell me about your vacation.
Holiday LemonsWinner: Monica Manning
New study shows river runoff decreases in driest years in Oregon, NorthwestWow, really? Write your own "duh" new study shows headline.
Those scientists were feelin' fineWinner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
After their dinner & case of wine.
One wrote this "study"
(Reviewed by his buddy):
"Your toots stink! And so do mine."
Without the automobile James Dean might still be alive, which means that Paul Newman may not have had a movie career.Winner: Mike Trippiedi
AHA-HA-HA! Guys! Look! I got stuck AGAIN! I am so stupid. Next time I get drunk and want to sleep in here, you guys better stop me. HA-HA-HARRR!!! Now pull me out. I gotta pee.Winner: China
Cue the trumpets! Throw some confetti! Alert the press! Les Stroud of Survivorman, because he would totally get me though the year safely and build me an awesome shelter.Winner: Melinda (@mstacer)
Taylor Lautner to look at and his martial arts skills might come in handy to fight off any native wild animals.
And my son, because I couldn't live without him or that long.
My friends say I am always vague and stuff like that.Winner: davidseven
Your boss comes to your desk and offers you one of his wife's special homemade chocolate candies. You love peppermint patties so you toss an entire glob of chocolate in your mouth only to realize it's coconut and you're allergic to coconut. Your boss asks you what you think of his wife's awesome yummies.What do you say/do?
Spew it out forcefully into the trashcan and then, gasping, say, "Oh they are DEE-LISH-US - but I'm deathly allergic to coconut! So sorry!"Winner: China
"But if she makes coconut-free peppermint patties, I'd LOVE to try THOSE! -
And don't worry, Boss, I have some Benadryl in my desk. I won't have to leave early, but I may be a little slow today." (Big apologetic grin)
porcupine, mouthwash, gnome, arrow, galoshesWhy is your teenager in trouble?
She thought she had been struck by cupid's arrow. She had never experienced the sensation she had when she looked at Josh. Maybe band camp wouldn't be so bad after all. She walked over to him and smiled weakly. "Ummm.... hi Josh," she said. Her mouth was dry. She would have been willing to drink a bottle of mouthwash if it meant her tongue didn't feel like sandpaper in his presence. She watched him tug a little harder on the head of a gnome, trying to pluck it from his camp counselor's garden. The counselor had nailed it to a stake and buried the end deep.Winner: Heather
He looked over his shoulder briefly. "Hey."
She felt the heat rising from her feet, up her legs and into her abdomen. It made her feel nauseous, dizzy, confused. Is this what love felt like, she thought. She stumbled forward slightly. Her bright red golashes glowing bright against the slightly damp color of earth. "Hey." she responded, her vision clouding everything but Josh out of her sight. She felt herself sway. I'm weak in the knees. It's a fairytale!
Josh looked over his shoulder again. "Are you okay?" he asked, forgetting the gnome and reaching for her instead. She could feel the heat rising up her chest and into her face. She was having difficulties breathing. She couldn't believe what a strong effect he was having on her. She swooned. The last thing she saw was Josh leaning over her and the last thing she felt was his lips pressing against hers.
At least, that is the way she preferred to remember it when the other kids at band camp taunted her. She kept this story alive inside of her using it mentally fend off the taunts of the other kids who had learned what happened. Maybe one day, she would be able to use it as the opener to her explanation of how she found out she was allergic to porcupine quills.... and why she would never attend another camp in the mountains again. For now, she had to endure the teasing and hateful words that teenagers are so good at conjuring up.
Death of a BrowserRecently, a "funeral" was held for Internet Explorer 6.0, the web browser that just didn't want to die. If you could hold a "funeral" for something (other than a person or animal), what would it be?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of the No Child Left Behind law. While its intentions may have originally been based in the betterment of the education of all students, it quickly became evident that it was nothing more than a hindrance to the educational process. No Child was Left Behind because instead Every Child was left behind. Teachers lost the freedom to teach in a manner the benefited their students and became prisoner to teaching to the tests mandated by this law. Students no longer learned functional skills, but only what was covered on the mandated tests. Instead of improving schools and student performance, the opposite occurred during your reign. Schools continued to fail and student performance continued to be an embarrassment in comparison to other nations. High school drop out rates remained high, students failed to learn to read, and minorities continued to demonstrate a gap in performance. I wish we could say you will be missed, but we can finally get down to the task of educating our students in ways that will make learning an active process that engages children. We can finally make accommodations for all children who learn a little differently, who need a little help, and who may not master the concept the first time it is presented. Finally learning can be individualized for all children and teachers can teach instead of prep students for tests. Rest in peace, or rest in pieces.Winner: Bethany (@Auburnrose)
Ode to SpringEither rewrite this awful poem or write your own brief Ode to Spring.
O spring, O spring
You wonderful thing!
O spring, O spring, O spring!
O spring, O spring,
When the birdies sing
I feel like a king,
O spring!
~Walter R. Brooks
The first day of Spring is a wonderful thing;Winner: D.A. Schweiss on his blog
Its escorted by sunny, warm weather.
Robins take wing, and all the birds sing,
And the light coats replace those of leather.
Yes, the Sun in the sky brings a tear to my eye
As it banishes gray hues, so dreary.
Winter's still there, by the nip in the air,
But its pall will grow less and less weary.
With a smile in my heart, I'll now play the part
Of a lover whose dear one comes calling,
And cheeks flushed with pink might cause one to think
That the star for the costar has fallen.
oh spring! oh spring!Winner: Radhika92
you ghastly thing
with your bursting enthusiasm
and syrupy smile
oh why can't you leave me
to wallow in winter,
and shiver and grumble a while?
"Hey pretty lady. Why so blue?"Winner: davidseven
So I have this friend... She is stuck basically on bedrest for most days. She is absolutely through with television. What book, DVD, or other creative idea would you suggest to her to help pass the time and keep from going crazier than she already is?
I cannot imagine being stuck on bedrest, but if I were, the first thing I would turn to would be audio books, unabridged audio books. If my friend had the same taste I do, I would suggest the Mitford Series by Jan Karon, all of them, in order, and only the unabridged ones. Then, The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold, which is the most amazing book I have ever read. And then on to the crime stories I love so much - too many to suggest here. Throw in some Stephen King and some Maeve Binchy - yes, I have conflicting tastes : ) Since I am usually a multi-tasker, I would also suggest knitting, crocheting, making cards, scrapbooking, taking courses on line, teaching myself some software so I could become an expert and teach it on line, learning and using photo manipulation software. Many of the crafts that can be done on bedrest (like the knitting/crocheting) can be donated to very worthy causes when they start to pile up : ) Some light exercise while in bed would be a good use of time too, if it's possible.Winner: B, as posted on her blog
Dear Sirs,Winner: Jason (whom I have no way of contacting)
After reviewing my records I see that you are correct that I have not made a single payment on the mentioned Motorcycle.
However, while reviewing those records I see that you have likewise not issued payment for the Circus Elephant, Wading pool and 3 tons of Jell-o recently purchased from me. Once those Items are returned or paid for I will happily turn over any and all motorcycles which I have purchased from your company.
Thank you in advance for your co operation
Today is St. Patrick's Day!How do you celebrate, if you do? Or if you don't, how would you respond if someone tries to pinch you for not wearing green?
I don't do much to celebrate St. Patrick's Day except I always wearing green!Winner: Melinda (@mstacer)
It has become fairly acceptable in our society to pinch a person for an infraction as benign as not wearing green on March 17th. However, it is very much not acceptable to break those peoples pinching fingers for touching me and causing me pain.
So I wear green.
Happy Don't Pinch Me (or else) Day
tweezers, breath mint, paper plate, plastic bag, emergency flares, jar of salsaMacGyver your way out of the situation. (Yes, I think MacGyver IS a verb that means to manipulate an uncommon means of escape.)
Well I’m useless with tweezers, so I’d open up the jar of salsa and dump it on my wrists. Hopefully that would make them slippery enough to escape the handcuffs.Winner: Marc
Then I’d want to see what the heck I was doing, so I’d light the emergency flares. I’d quickly realize that was not the smartest move when the trunk filled with smoke. In the ensuing convulsions I’d probably hit the trunk hard enough, or in just the right spot, to pop it open.
Sitting up while hacking up a lung, I’d start waving frantically at the car travelling behind me. They, understandably, would be rather confused. A moment of inspiration would lead to me using the tweezers to carve out the word HELP in the paper plate and holding it up for them to read.
Their comprehension secured, they would phone the police while I tidied up after myself, sticking the used flare, torn up plate, and spilled salsa into the plastic bag. My Momma didn’t raise no dirty boy.
Once the cops arrived and pulled over my would be kidnapper, I’d offer the Good Samaritan who helped rescue me their hard won reward – a breath mint.
Hey, it would be all I had left.
Happy Birthday, Chuck NorrisChuck Norris turned 70 last Thursday, March 10. Write a brief story about his birthday party.
Unfortunately, one-time actor and all-time ass-hat Chuck Norris passed away last Thursday at his own 70th birthday party.Winner: JazzBumpa
His tea-bagger friends brewed up a spa-sized mug, but Chuck had previously downed a 64 oz blender full of vodka and whole bananas, mistaking ir for a fruit smoothie.
Thus impaired, Chuck tumbled over the rim, and refusing help, because - well he's CHUCK NORRIS, doncha know, drowned.
He nearly succeeded in returning from the dead, but could not overcome the rejection of the ObamaKare Death Panel.
RIP Chuck. You're gone but not missed!
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
Early to rise,Winner: davidseven
Early to bed.
Wealthy and wise,
With a social life that's dead.
Orangutan: Awt eh ah oo do, OWNT ick san!Winner: SparkleFarkle (@WishMittens
(TRANSLATION: "What ever you do, DON'T lick sand!"
So I have this friend... He's choosing colleges and declaring a major. What field would you recommend he study that will be vital for the next generation?
Finance, with a minor in one of the humanities.Winner: TMC @ Return to Rural (@returntorural)
The first because it's a specific skill set that's applicable in a variety of careers and jobs. The second because it's what turns you into an educated person as it teaches you how to learn. If you learn how to learn, think critically, think creatively, you can do well at any job.
This Saturday, there will be an epic battle between cats and dogs.Which group will claim victory and why?
Cats take the high ground. Dogs tire of barking and eventually break off to pee on trees and hump each other.Winner: TM (@trmink)
Cats cannot act as a cohesive unit and will never mount a coordinated attack.
Regardless, war ends when dinner is served.
The hard-working and talented participants below have collected wins on all seven days or have won Wildcard days to fill in the gaps. lawn, robot, yellow, sporkTell us about your first job.
My first summer job was to cut the grass at a nursing home, in Arizona. It was 99 degrees when I woke up at 8am and I don't particularly care that it was a dry heat because so is a freakin' oven and you don't see people crawling into those for a vacation. My father said I had to work this summer, something about being a spoiled rich brat, but he never said anything about having to do the manual labor myself. So I made a quick trip to Gadgets 'N Things and bought one of those top of the line robotic lawnmowers. I tried to get one in green so it would blend in with the over watered lawn more but all they had was yellow. So I charged that robot up and then set it loose on the perfectly flat and perfectly out of place green lawn in the middle of a desert. As it cut the lawn, I relaxed in the air conditioned rec room of the nursing home. Hey, they have Wii in those places now and I was deep into a bowling battle with some old guy when I heard an old woman screaming about a UFO on the lawn. Oh crap! I dashed into the kitchen to find a group of old ladies gathered around the window watching my bright yellow lawnmower working. I tried to distract them with the awesomeness that is a spork but I failed miserably. Finally the director came in to see what all the fuss was about and I was caught red handed (or yellow roboted). After a call to my father, the robot was confiscated and in punishment I was given an antique push mower - you know the ones that do not have an engine. Apparently the residents are not the only antiques kept there. I earned that check, only to have to turn it over to my father to pay for the robot I put on his charge card. The same robot that now cuts our lawn so he does not have to go out in the heat.Winner: Bethany (@Auburnrose)
Upbeat salmon forecast worries fishermenWrite the article that accompanies the headline.
A massive harvest of salmon sounds like a good thing, but for some fishermen near Scotlands fishing grounds, it's a real worry. Angus McCaber explains.Winner: s'me
"Weel, I canna see ho we'll be away to kitch all dese salmons. We dinna have the wurms."
The worm shortage is a distinct source of concern, as they are a necessary part of fish catching. Tests are continuing with fake worms to enable the men to catch all that they can.
This however, also worries Mr McCaber, whose wife owns several sea fishing boats as well as a smokery.
"I seys to t'missus the other day, I looks in the freezer, and it's full. I has to seys to her "She canna take any more Captain. She's up to capacity as it is. I canna change the laws of physics!"
Oh that's easy - the parents let them get married, they start having kids, he has a boring going nowhere job, she has to get a really crappy job since she's a woman and can only work part time with the kids, he gets tired of it and cheats on her - she poisons him. Happily ever after right??Winner: B, who posted her response on her blog
She sees herself fifty years from now sitting in the same chair looking into the same crystal ball.Winner: SOL
So I have this friend... Her name is TMC and she blogs over at Return to Rural. Recently, she's posted about the new tattoo she's having created on her back. If you were to have something tattooed on your body (let's imagine it's free, both in regards to cash and pain), what would it be and where?
I'd tattoo eyeballs on my eyelids so I could sleep at my desk and no one would know!Winner: Eternal Lizdom
Dear Head Over Heals in Love,Winner: Jacqueline, who posted on her blog
Get a nice piece of paper and something comfortable to write with. Sit down in a comfortable place to write. Write out what you love about your spouse and why you wanted to marry. Fold the note carefully and store it in a safe, easily accessible place.
Believe it or not there will probably be days when you will wonder what you ever saw in your spouse and why you ever wanted to get married. On those days it will be good to be able to pull out your note and remind yourself of how you feel today.
You have rubbed the magic lamp and a genie promises you three wishes.Now what?
I wish for millions of dollarsWinner: Marc
And the little man smiles at me,
Snaps his greasy fingers,
And I'm buried in cash from Monopoly.
I wish to be able to fly
And the little bastard smirks;
With another snappity snap,
I receive two plane tickets to Newark.
I wish for immortality
And he snaps his fingers once more;
Now I'm up to my neck in formaldehyde,
And thinking I should be more careful what I wish for.
duck, chair, elbow, bananaYou find the following items on a list. What do they have in common? What kind of list might this be and why?
The producers of The new adventures of MacGyver really wanted to top themselves for bizarre escape scenarios.Winner: davidseven
Cue the trumpets! Throw some confetti! Alert the press! Marketers Say Oh Yes To OhnoI think most of the cheesy horrible Ohno/Oh Yes headlines have been written but take your best shot at a few more. Or, feel free to write another horrible headline.
I was blue 'til that wonderful night--Winner: C. Beth (@cbethblog)
Tickled pink was I at the sight!
Yellow he's not--
That trick was red hot!
He's the cream of the crop; he's Shaun White!
